Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Perfect Owner

With Jeff and Fred being forced to pay for their friendship with a crook, the Mets are facing a change in ownership. I decided to nominate some of my own candidates for the position.

The Monopoly Guy:

Experience: Real Estate Tycoon

Finances: Collects $200 Just For Passing Go

Pitfalls: Winds Up In Jail

Random Fact: Won $10 In A Beauty Pageant AND Landed On Free Parking On Same Turn (Rolled Doubles).

The Monopoly Guy, with his top hat and suit would clearly bring some class to the Mets. He'd also bring Chance and Community Chest... so... pretty spiffy. If he were to buy the Mets:
  • We'd first see changes as small green homes would crop up at Citi Field
  • These would eventually be replaced by large red hotels
  • Ron Darling and Keith Hernandez would be replaced by a thimble and a shoe and a shoe
  • Team moved to Atlantic City

Lady Ga Ga:

Experience: Wore Meat To Award Show

Finances: Music Millions

Pitfalls: Trapped Inside An Egg

Secret Plans: Re-Design the Mets uniforms to include prosthetic horns and scales.

Ms. Ga Ga is not what everyone would like an owner to be. However, she might bring a youthful female element to games and boost attendance. If she were to take over the team:
  • Agents would have difficulty with her poker face
  • Players would get bonuses for exposing themselves publicly
  • Elton John hired as manager

Mr. Magoo:

Experience: Survivor Of Countless Blind Gage

Finances: Millions Of Cartoon Dollars

Pitfalls: Would Have No Clue What Was Going On

Random Fact: Without glasses looks quite a bit like my grandfather.

Mr. Magoo was just a bumbling old man who refused to admit he couldn't see anything. He happily walked through life, narrowly escaping death. If he were to buy the Mets:
  • He'd probably end up walking onto the field during a game
  • He'd probably end up playing in said game
  • He'd probably win the Mets the World Series
  • All while thinking he was online for Shake Shack

The Millionaire:

Experience: Managed To Create A Class System On Remote Island

Finances: Wealthy Enough Not To Have Skills

Pitfalls: Trapped On Island With Gilligan

Random Fact: Is played by the same actor as Mr. Magoo.

Mr. Howell would be an excellent owner. He's loaded... and he's somewhat trapped on an island... so he can't interfere with baseball operations. If the Millionaire owned the team:
  • Smoking jackets become mandatory
  • All concession drinks include little pink umbrellas

Darth Vader:

Experience: Dark Lord Of The Sith

Finances: Limitless Coffers Of Galactic Empire

Pitfalls: Hand Frequently Cut Off

Secret Plans: Stolen by rebels and currently stored on droids lost on Tatooine.

Darth... how I miss when you were not played by Hayden Christensen... ANYWAY! Darth Vader is the muscle and force behind Emperor Palpatine. He's also a hideously disfigured man with a breathing apparatus... like a portable iron lung. If Darth bought the club:
  • David Wrights specially designed helmet will look small in comparison
  • Agents mysteriously strangled during negotiations
  • Jawas massacred
  • Jose Reyes convinced that together they can rule the galaxy as father and son

Zombie George:

Experience: Ran The Yankees

Finances: He's Loaded

Pitfalls: Decomposition

Secret Plans: Other than, Brains... he doesn't say much, but my bet is that George Costanza's part of the picture.

George may have passed away, but he might still have more baseball sense than the Wilpons. So... we'll dig him up, dust him off and cast some voodoo magic on him. What's the worst that could happen?
  • Mass death
  • Zombie-Pocalypse
  • Mets Win World Series


Giantfan07 said...


I gotta say I like the idea of The Millionaire. Fans can be relaxed even through thick and thin, and those pink umbrellas would add a nice tropical touch to the Queens-located Shake Shake Shakes.

Phlavio said...

I had meant to put Charlie Sheen on the list too but the Millionaire would probably work best anyway. He'd most importantly not be able to have direct control of baseball operations as he's stuck on an island.