Thursday, April 28, 2011


Someone mentioned to me that there are actually 4 other teams in the Met's division. I did some research and discovered this was true. So I decided to see what they'd been up to.

#1 Philadelphia Phillies, 16-8: The city of neighborly hatred is well known for greasy sandwiches, funny names for heroes and being across the river from the Camden Aquarium. The team, which is named so cleverly after long-time SNL favorite Phil Hartman, wears red and white in honor of their favorite color, pink. Led by a pitching staff Aced by Joe Blanton, they manage to do pretty well with the likes of Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee rounding out the rotation. Young slugger, Raul Ibanez is likely to be a franchise player and hang around in Philly for a long-term contract.

#2 Florida Marlins, 15-8: Not far from "The Birdcage" and only an hour (or so) South of Boca Woods Retirement Village, the Florida Marlins play baseball in a Football stadium. The team which is full of elderly players and inflated contracts is in dire financial trouble as they are constantly competing with heavy spenders like Pittsburgh and Minnesota. The offensive star of the team is clearly Donnie Murphy, while they rely heavily on Chris Volstad in the pressure pitching department. The team will likely try to move Hanley Ramirez for an older more expensive player as he doesn't fit the teams model for success. I hear the Yankees are interested.

#3 Atlanta Braves, 13-13: While native American's were un-abashedly wiped out of Georgia by the prison colonies that landed in the 18th century, their memory is kept alive by racist-ly pretending to scalp opposing teams and chanting a slightly less racist hymn then, "What Made the Red Man Red?" The team, which is haunted by the ghost of Bobby Cox, is known for their sure-handed defensive second baseman. Their third baseman, Larry Jones, will probably never amount to much and shouldn't make too much of a lasting impact. Thankfully Brooks Conrad is their to replace him.

#4 New York Mets, 11-13: Not so many miles from where the greatest Chinese restaurant in history once stood (Lums) is a stadium nestled into one of the safest and most friendly neighborhoods on earth. Next to that Tennis stadium and across the train tracks is Citi Field. Terry Collins is new to the team and he made himself stand out by being far whiter than the previous two managers. The change has greatly helped Jason Bay. It's rumored that all Canadians have a natural fear of skin pigmentation.

#5 Washington Nationals, 10-13: This team might have the largest fan-base in the nation. Selling out every game (against the Phillies) the Nationals enjoy the much deserved respect of a team with a long and inspiring history. When George Washington chopped down the cherry tree it was to craft a bat to play for his beloved Nationals. Coincidentally he needed wooden teeth because he used his teeth to carve that very bat. The Nationals are in last place, but it could be far worse. Thankfully their Achilles Heal, Ryan Zimmerman, cannot play currently and drag the team farther down with his awful all-around game.

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